Are you considering setting some goals for the new year? Or maybe you have decided that you won’t even bother setting goals after falling short in years past. You’ve certainly got the starting power… but your staying power has been in short supply.
Pastor and certified counselor, Dr. Paul Randolph, talks with our very own Faith Ritter and explains that people who realize lasting change not only set action goals but also look inward to address qualities that are likely to hinder their progress. This 30- minute podcast is sure to help position and empower you for success in 2021.
Dr. Paul is a pastor, professor and founder of Insight Christian Counseling with over 30 years of counseling experience. He is also a chaplain for the United States Secret Service and the Pennsylvania State Police.
If you have fitness goals that you are committed to reaching , consider enlisting the support and accountability of a Benefit personal trainer? These certified fitness professionals not only understand the mechanics of exercise but the psychology as well and can help you power through barriers and stay in track.
Transcript
Faith Ritter:
Welcome to Faith on Fitness. My name is Faith Ritter and I’m the communications director here at Benefit Personal Training. We are an in-home personal fitness training company dedicated to helping mature clients stay strong, fit and healthy today and throughout their entire lives. And we’re here with Dr. Paul Randolph, who is the Founder and Executive Director of Insight Christian Counseling with over 30 years of counseling experience. He also serves as the chaplain for the United States Secret Service and the Pennsylvania state police. Welcome Dr. Paul. We’re so honored to have you here with us today.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
It’s great to be with you Faith, and I’m excited to have this opportunity to interact with you and hopefully engage your listeners in some things that will be helpful to them, particularly as we get to the start of a new year. And boy, I think everybody can’t wait for 2021.
Faith Ritter:
You took the words right out of my mouth. I am so eager to close the books on 2020 and say hello to 2021, because it’s been a rough year. It’s been a rough year. So I think everyone’s waiting to exhale and get a new start.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Amen. I’m with your girl. That’s for sure.
Faith Ritter:
Yes, yes, yes, yes. So I’m sure over the next few weeks, many of us will at least give some thought to coming up with some goals for 2021. And then some of us will go the next step, to actually write our goals down, which all the experts say is advisable because it increases the likelihood for success. But we all know coming up with goals and writing them down, while it may be necessary, is certainly isn’t sufficient. Would you agree with that Dr. Paul?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Faith Ritter:
Right? It’s not sufficient.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
That’s a great first step, getting it down on paper, absolutely. But you need more than just that for sure.
Faith Ritter:
Exactly, because the stats bear that out. According to a University of Scranton study, only 8% of us will actually realize our resolutions next year. So that’s not too encouraging is it Dr. Paul?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
No, it’s not. No, it’s not.
Faith Ritter:
But I know you come bearing some glad tidings today, right? So we’re hopeful that you’ll be able to shed some light on this topic and share some practical strategies that will help set our listeners up for success. So let’s just jump right on in.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yeah.
Faith Ritter:
So change, right? It’s so easy to get started, isn’t it Dr. Paul? So easy to get started. It’s so hard to stay on track. So why is change so fleeting for so many of us? Why is it so temporary? And then share with us just from your experience as a counselor, what separates those people who are able to make long-term meaningful change from those who are not?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Well, that’s a great couple of questions, Faith. And in my experience, and working with folks and even in my own personal life, I think one of the reasons why change is often so temporary is it takes a good six to eight weeks to establish a new positive habit in your life.
Faith Ritter:
Okay.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And it doesn’t take long or much of anything to continue with the bad habits that we fall into to just having as a part of our experience. So for example, anybody who works out at the gym will tell you that you got to keep up with it, and you got to keep going to the gym because if you stop going, you will lose what you gained much faster than it took you to put the effort into gaining.
Faith Ritter:
Right, right, right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
So I think that’s a factor right there. We are inherently lazy. We’re going to always look for the easiest route to get from point A to point B. And I’m guilty of that too. I also think that most people, when they start out, are sincere in wanting to make a change for the better, whether it’s losing weight, having a better marriage, becoming more physically fit, being less of a slob.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
I think where people get into trouble following through and making lasting change is when they only focus on changing their actions, instead of also seeking to make changes to who they are as a person. For example, the out of shape person starts out with their new year’s resolution to work out at the gym. And over those next couple of weeks, they show up regularly, and they’re putting some time in, even with some of those aches and pains they’re experiencing. They’re excited to have maybe a trainer working with them. And particularly if the trainer is particularly good looking, it’s like, “Wow, I can’t wait to see Veronica at the gym. She’s going to help me get to be a stronger guy.”
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
But over time, we start to lose steam. It takes effort, and then Veronica keeps pushing me to do a little bit more and work a little bit harder. And dear Veronica eventually turns into Darth Vader in my mind. I’m like, “Oh, I can’t deal with this anymore.” And I think what they miss was okay, yes, we got to focus on what exercises I’m going to do and what changes I’m going to make to my diet. But they fail to address the importance of making some changes in the inner person. And that change involves addressing one or more of the personal characteristics, the inner qualities that they may have. Maybe they have a tendency toward laziness, which I think is true of all of this. Maybe they lack self-control, self-discipline, determination.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And I think those who succeed in lasting change, not only make action goals, they also say, “Let me look within myself to see what I need to change about me to give me more staying power, to stick with whatever goals I’m setting,” whether it’s a physical gym goals or any kind of goals. So that’s my perspective on why I think why change is often temporary.
Faith Ritter:
Wow. That was so insightful. I hope everyone caught that. You could write a book just on that, Dr. Paul.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Oh, my word. Yes.
Faith Ritter:
You could write a book just on that.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yes you could, absolutely. Absolutely.
Faith Ritter:
So listen, so all of the experts talk about the power of why, right? If your why is big enough, they say, I can hear Tony Robbins talking as I speak. If your why is big enough, you can accomplish anything. So do you believe that, number one? And then how can our listeners hone in on those motivators that will actually help to propel them forward?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Well, yes, I would say that the why factor is certainly an important piece of this. Motivation can really make the difference. And I think, especially in getting us to overcome the inertia of wanting to stay comfortable where I’m at. We all like our comfort zones. And if you have proper motivation, it can propel you to move out of being stuck where you’re at. For example, after 9/11 and the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, many people left their comfort zone and actually joined the military or became a first responder. Now that’s a huge change for a lot of people.
Faith Ritter:
Wow. Okay.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Why did they do that? I think it was that they were motivated at least with first responders that I talked to who joined after 9/11 and military folks, they said “I was motivated by what I saw happening that day,” and the motivation was to either get back at those who attacked us, love for their country, or seeing some of the selfless acts of the police officers and firefighters and EMTs that day, who ran in as others were running out. And we had many inspiring stories of people who gave their lives, helping others to escape the danger. That’s powerfully motivating.
Faith Ritter:
Sure it is.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
In sports you see the same thing, where you can have the well-motivated team often winning the day, even when faced with an opponent, which on paper should be the winner.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
For example, I think of when the Eagles beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.
Faith Ritter:
Yep.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
On paper, the Patriots should’ve won. They had the experience of many Super Bowl wins. They had more players with more established records and better stats than the Eagles team. But yet the Patriots lost and the Eagles won. And I think one of the factors in the Eagles win was their team concept, as their motivation to want to togee for our fans, for our city and for ourselves. And even that for ourselves was an unselfish thing because different players got injured and they had that concept of the next man up.
Faith Ritter: Yep, yep.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And so there was this motivation of the team concept. So I think motivation is key. And I guess the question is, how do we hone in on the best motivators? And I would suggest that this depends on the values and personality of the individual person. I think if your listeners can try to find motivators which are more in line with what matters to them.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
For example, family is very important to me as it is to many people. So anything that enhances my family life is a great motivator for me. So for example, when it comes to weight loss or exercise, I don’t like to do either of them to be honest with you.
Faith Ritter:
That’s honest.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yeah. In fact, when I had to have abdominal surgery many years ago, I said to the surgeon, I said, “Look, while you open me up, and you have the hood open, could you give me a six pack? I’ve always wanted six pack absolute. Could you do that for me, doctor? Could you reduce this for me and make it a six pack?”
Faith Ritter:
And what’d he say?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
He said, “Reverend, I’m a surgeon, I am not a miracle worker. I am not Jesus. So sorry.” So I have a gallon jug, but at least it’s not a five gallon jug.
Faith Ritter:
Right, right. Right, right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Who likes exercise or weight loss? It’s a challenge, it’s work. Now it’s an important pay off to it, but here’s the motivator for me as to why I’m willing to exercise and to watch what I eat, because I want to be around for as long as possible as a husband, as a dad and especially now as a grandpa.
Faith Ritter:
Awesome.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And so that’s a great motivator for me. I don’t want to die prematurely because I didn’t take care of myself.
Faith Ritter:
Right, right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
So I took a motivator that matters to me, because I’m not going to be on the cover of GQ Magazine anytime. That doesn’t motivate me. But wanting to be around for my grandkids, absolutely.
Faith Ritter:
Great.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
That’s like a big scale motivator. I think for your listeners, maybe also putting into play a couple of more immediate motivators can also help, that relate again to their personality, their preferences. For example, anything that is chocolate will motivate me. That’s a great little reward motivator for me. Now of course, in moderation. But vanilla isn’t going to cut it, chocolate will. That’s just knowing myself and knowing what’s going to motivate me. So maybe at the end of the week, giving myself a little reward with something chocolate that doesn’t go overboard. Okay, that helps me stay on track, that helps me want to do the grind of walking and exercising, which I try to do regularly in the course of my day. So that’s my thought on motivation. Yes, it’s a huge factor. And I think if you can find things that line up with your personality and the things that you value, that’s going to help you have more meaningful motivators that will propel you further down the road.
Faith Ritter:
Awesome. Awesome. That’s perfect doctor. That’s perfect. So you spoke about this earlier, but just want you to touch on it a little bit further. So change often requires us to abandon old habits and ways of thinking and adopt new ones, right?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yes.
Faith Ritter:
But you spoke to this earlier. But the problem is that we often take comfort in the behaviors that we need to change, and we often fear or resist the very things that we need to integrate into our lives. So how do we overcome that challenge?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And I think you’re touching on something that again is experienced by pretty much everybody.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
We all have those things that we derive comfort from. And I think the idea of putting off something negative while putting on something positive can be a real difference maker for the lasting change that folks are looking to do. So for example, over the years, I’ve worked with a lot of people who struggle with some form of addiction, whether it’s to alcohol, to overeating, to shopping, to gambling, to pornography, just to name a few.
Faith Ritter:
Okay.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And even though they know it’s not healthy for them or it’s wrong for them, they enjoy it. They like the high that comes from it. It’s an old friend, it’s like a comfortable pair of jeans that they like putting on. I can recall one fellow that I worked with who was a functional alcoholic, meaning he was able to hold a job, provide for his family. And you really wouldn’t notice that he had a drinking problem unless you were with him on the weekends, because that’s when he would choose to get hammered. And if you were around him on the weekends, you’d say, “Whoa, this is a different person here.” And as it began to impact negatively on his marriage and with his children, his wife turned to our organization for help. And I think a couple things helped him get past that unwillingness to let go of the negative. One was first of all, getting the blinders taken off to the negative impact. He was telling himself, as everyone who’s struggled with alcohol, “Oh, I can stop anytime I want. This really isn’t hurting anybody.”
Faith Ritter:
Right, right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
All those negative self-talk blinders that we have. And so I told his wife, I said, “Don’t clean up after him when he throws up and passes out on the floor. Let them stay there.”
Faith Ritter:
Wow.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Let him begin to see that. And as that began to happen, for example, he began to realize that, whoa, this isn’t something that I want to continue. And realizing that his spouse was getting to a place where she was actually starting to consider divorce. As he began to see the negative impact, I think that was one of the keys that helped him realize, “You know what? I got to put this off, but then I also have to put on something new.”
Faith Ritter:
Sure.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And the new that he began to put on was saying, “Okay, I’m going to get some counseling for the personal issues that are leading me to drink, the anxiety and the worry and the stress that I’m dealing with.” So that was the first put on. The second put on was, “I’m going to look for other ways to interact with my wife and my family on the weekends that will have a positive impact.” So I think it’s very wise. And in fact, coming where I am from a Christian counseling perspective, when you look in the scriptures, it talks about the putting off and the putting on right.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And real change involves when you do both. Now, that takes determination.
Faith Ritter:
Sure it does. Sure it does.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
There’s no getting around that. But again, if you can find a motivator that is something that you value, which in this case was this man’s family. He did not want to lose them. That’s what was actually the thing that propelled him to say, “Okay, I need to get some help here and I got to take these blinders off.”
Faith Ritter:
Wow. And then of course he enlisted the support that he needed because change of that magnitude often requires some reinforcements. Does it not doctor?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Oh, yeah. You are speaking truth now, girl. Absolutely.
Faith Ritter:
So we all like to believe as I’m sure this gentleman believed that he could do it on his own, that he could marshal the internal fortitude to make that change. But he finally came to the conclusion that he needed some help.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yep.
Faith Ritter:
So why is asking for help so hard? Why is it so difficult for us to ask for help when we need it?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
It comes down to one word, pride.
Faith Ritter:
Pride. Pride, yep. Yep.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
We are too proud often to ask for help, because asking for help means you’ve got to be vulnerable, you need to have a certain amount of humility to say, “I can’t do this on my own.” Now this can take some different forms. I’ve heard people say, “Well, I don’t want to be a burden to other people.” Well, if they’re your family, that’s what family’s about, supporting one another, caring for one another, helping one another. Or if you are in a church or a synagogue or a mosque, you’re part of a congregation of people. And again, I like to say the church is not a place, it’s not a museum for perfect people, it’s a hospital for imperfect people.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And so this idea, “I don’t want to be a burden,” it’s just another form of pride or “I don’t want to look weak. I don’t want people to think less of me.” Well, again, there it is, pride, right there in front of us. And I think that’s the key thing that makes it difficult to ask for help. We need to realize that pride simply leads to more digging in your heels and being stubborn and saying, “No, I can do this on my own.” And again, what I think will help people get past the pride is when they begin to realize the cost that is coming from their staying where they’re at and not being willing to take some initiative, to bring about some change.
Faith Ritter:
Very good. Very good. So the next thing I wanted to talk to you about, Dr. Paul, is the past. I strongly believe that the biggest enemy of the future is the past, right?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yep, yep, yep.
Faith Ritter:
It often holds us back, our past disappointments, our past, “Oh, I tried, it didn’t work.” Those past failures kind of play over in our head and it really holds us back from realizing the future that we want to create for ourselves. So how have you helped your clients to overcome that tendency to want to look back?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yeah, I would say a couple things that I have found to be helpful in working with others and in my own personal life is first of all, realizing that you cannot change the past. You can only change the present and plan for your future.
Faith Ritter:
Okay.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And just realizing that. Second of all, I think the guilt factor has to be dealt with. Now, coming from a Christian perspective, I think the Bible provides tremendous help when it comes to dealing with the issue of guilt. And I would say you’ve got to come to a place where guilt no longer holds you back and traps you. It’s interesting. My wife is a nurse and she used to work at a hospital in Philadelphia that had a psych department and the head psychiatrist for the hospital drove a very fancy car. I don’t remember whether it was a Mercedes-Benz or a BMW or Ferrari. But whatever he was driving, he had a one word vanity license plate on his car, and the word was guilt. Guilt was the word on his license plate. And one day my wife asked him, “Hey doc, how come you have the word guilt on your license plate?” And he said, “I figured one day you’d get around to asking me this because I know you’re married to a pastor, and pastors do a lot to help people deal with guilt.”
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And he said, “Here’s the reason why guilt is on my license plate. It’s because over 90% of the people who come to me for help are dealing with struggles in their past, and the guilt that they have or decisions that they’ve made in the past. And I figured since guilt is what’s really driving my practice and helps me to afford to pay for the car, I ought to give guilt the credit.”
Faith Ritter:
Wow. Deep, yes.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
That was an eye-opening admission by a very successful psychiatrist that guilt is what drove most of the people to come to see him for help. Now you can try to drug guilt away. I don’t really think that’s the most effective way to deal with it. But certainly seeking to get past that guilt factor that hangs over you, I think is key. I also think of a scripture in the Bible that says forgetting what lays behind, I press forward to the mark that God has set for me. And I love that perspective.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Now there’s certain things that you can’t forget from your past. I get that. And at least from a Christian perspective, the Bible doesn’t ever teach that we are to forgive and forget. The only one that does that is God.
Faith Ritter:
That’s right. That’s right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
We’re called to forgive. There’s some people that have hurt me in my past. I will never forget what they’ve done to me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t forgive them and move on.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And the sincerity of my forgiveness isn’t that I have forgotten, the sincerity is I’m not going to tell you who they were and what they did to me.
Faith Ritter:
Yep, yep.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And if I run into them on the street, I’m not going to punch them in the nose.
Faith Ritter:
You might want you, but you’re not.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
I might want to, yes. But I’m not going to do that.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And that to me is a mark of sincerity.
Faith Ritter:
Sure.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
So yeah. The other thing that I think may help your listeners with the whole guilt and forgetting the past piece is again, purposely taking that moment of guilt and shame and using that to motivate you to do a better job. And I’m going to give you an example from my own life. I’m a chaplain also for a local fire department and there’s not many of us around. And I was asked by another fire company to do an official funeral for one of their firefighters who had been retired. And I agreed to do that and help the family. And when I got up to give them the funeral message, I did the kiss of death as any minister in a funeral setting, and there’s no pun intended on that one, I used the wrong name for the man who had died.
Faith Ritter:
No you did not Dr. Paul.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
I did.
Faith Ritter:
OMG.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Oh my. And let me tell you, thankfully the widow was very gracious and understanding, and actually got a little laugh out of it. But I was so embarrassed. Every time I drive by that firehouse, even today, I think of that moment. And I’m like, “Oh, how stupid could I be to have done that?” How embarrassing in front of a whole group of people.
Faith Ritter:
Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
But what I do is I don’t wallow in that self-pity. I just say, “You what? I just have to do a better job going forward for the next funeral and the next funeral and the next funeral, or the next service, or the next situation I’m called, the minister, in, I just got to do a better job.”
Faith Ritter:
Right. Right.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Because I don’t want to repeat that.
Faith Ritter:
Very good.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
That’s not what I want to do.
Faith Ritter:
Yeah. So in a way, you flipped it and you had a negative situation now it’s serving as a positive force in your life.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Exactly. I’m using it to be a motivator to not go back there again.
Faith Ritter:
Very good.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
I still cringe when I think about that moment.
Faith Ritter:
Let it go, Dr. Paul. Let it go. Let it go.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
I have. I have, but I wanted to share it with your folks because I think we need to be real here just because I have doctor as a title, doesn’t mean that I don’t put my pants on…My pants go on one leg at a time, just like everybody else’s.
Faith Ritter:
Well, I so appreciate your transparency. I think that gives what you do even more power when you’re transparent and open.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Thank you.
Faith Ritter:
I really do. I really do. So, Dr. Paul, you covered a lot of ground over a short period of time. So can you just recap? I know it’s a lot, but do your best to kind of recap. If the listeners don’t remember anything else, what are the three things you want them to come away with today?
Dr. Paul Randolph:
I think if you want lasting change, you need to address not only the situational aspects of what’s going on, but you also need to look at bringing about change in the inner person, who you are. So that will give your change more staying power. Secondly, I think you want to look for ways to find motivators that address your own personality and the values of things that are important to you.
Faith Ritter:
Sure.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And I think that provides your best motivators. And then I think we need to get past, thirdly, both our pride that makes us reluctant to ask for help, as well as we need to get past our past, the guilt that weighs us down. It’s like an anchor that’s pulling on your boat. And you want to get from point A to point B. And letting go of those guild anchors free your vessel up to be able to move more smoothly through the water, to get to the place where you want to be.
Faith Ritter:
The guilt anchors. Wow, I’ve never heard of that expression, but it’s so well encapsulates. It so well communicates what it is. It really does. It keeps you right where you are.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yep.
Faith Ritter:
It keeps you right where you are.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yep, yep.
Faith Ritter:
So Dr. Paul, share with the listeners, how they can get in touch with you if they want to talk with you directly.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
Yes, we can be reached both by email and by phone. By phone, our counseling line is (215) 947-6465. Again, that’s (215) 947-6465. They can also go to our website insightcounsel.org, insightcounsel.org. And go to the contact now tab. It’s on every page of our website and they can email us that way, and we’d be more than happy to set up a time to engage with folks. Right now with COVID, most of our counseling is virtual. We use every platform that you can think of. So whatever people are comfortable with, phones, Zoom, Skype, FaceTime. You name it, we’re using it. We do have some limited in-person hours. I have a couple of counselors who have actually had COVID and recovered.
Faith Ritter:
Wonderful.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
And we’re following all the safety precautions when we do meet with folks in person.
Faith Ritter:
Perfect.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
We can accommodate folks in many different ways.
Faith Ritter:
Wonderful. Well, Dr. Paul, I cannot thank you enough for being my guest. I hope that our listeners catch it, embrace it and apply it because I believe if they do that they will have a breakthrough year in 2021. That’s certainly my hope and prayer for all of our clients, all of our friends and family. So Happy New Year to you and your family, Dr. Paul, and thank you, thank you, thank you so much again for being with me today.
Dr. Paul Randolph:
My pleasure, and thanks so much for having me on today.
Faith Ritter:
Wonderful. You have a great day.